


Guilt

by dwj



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:33:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23306116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwj/pseuds/dwj
Summary: Post Can You Hear Me? ONESHOT.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! it's been pretty crazy as of late as we all know, gonna try and throw myself into writing to keep my mind busy so hopefully ill have a few new pieces up soon. 
> 
> This is obviously a post for Can You Hear Me? it's set after Graham's chat with 13 at the end of the episode, it was a pretty heavy subject and I know it divided opinion. The subject of said conversation is not mentioned in this fic, this is primarily based around 13's guilt following on from the talk and how she deals with being unable to comfort graham with something she just doesn't understand. I hope I did it justice, and as always please let me know your thoughts.

**Guilt**

The Doctor sat in the doorway of the TARDIS, she had her legs pulled up to her chest with her arms folded atop as she looked out into the abyss. The conversation she'd had with Graham a few hours prior weighed heavily on her mind, he was her friend, part of her fam and he had confided in her about something very personal to him. Her reaction? To stare at him like he'd dribbled on his jumper and offer him a bumbling response about being socially awkward. She hadn't been lying, she was socially awkward, extremely so, but it only served to frustrate her further that she had allowed such a minor flaw in her superior physiology to overcome her at a time when one of her friends needed her.

Her friends were always there for her, had been from the start, they had trusted her despite not knowing who she even really was, had remained by her side even though she had tried time and time again to push them away so she could deal with her problems alone. She loved her fam, which is why she had convinced herself that if losing them meant they were safe then it was worth the heartsbreak. They had dismissed her attempts, reminding her as many times as they needed to that it didn't matter to them what she had done in the past, or who she had been, they knew who she was now and no matter how long it took them to make her realise, they would be waiting and ready when the walls she had put up finally fell.

She wished she was able to return the gesture, she wanted nothing more than to be there as a shoulder to cry on, a confidant, but she had never been good when it came to dealing with emotions, especially her own. How could she give advice to others when if you looked up _mess_ in the dictionary you would probably find **The Doctor** in big bold letters. She couldn't help herself, and when she tried she usually only succeeded in making things worse, she didn't want to make things worse for her fam. She lived in constant fear that one day they would grow tired of her and leave, the last thing she wanted to do was say the wrong thing and speed up that process.

Her attempt at not making things worse had done the exact opposite which is why she found herself sitting alone trying to process her thoughts. Graham hadn't appeared to take her dismissive nature to heart, sometimes it was easy to forget she was alien, in spite of the literal time machine she travelled around in and when these barriers arose it was usually brushed off and the subject deferred. This time however, it had less to do with her biology and more to do with her psychology. She was fully aware of where she had gone wrong, she knew what she should have said, _sort of,_ but it was her fear of saying the wrong thing that had caused her to simply say nothing at all.

They'd had plans to shoot straight off on another adventure but they had all been put through the wringer over the last couple of days and despite sleep being the last thing on any of their minds, a little downtime was needed. The Doctor had told her fam to find somewhere to relax and they would set off when everyone was ready. Graham and Ryan had left without argument but Yaz had hung back in hopes of spending some of her downtime with The Doctor. Her mind had been reeling from her conversation or rather lack their of with Graham, she didn't want to upset anymore of her fam, especially not Yaz, so she had told her she had some important maintenance that needed taking care of and that she would come and find her once it was finished. If Yaz had suspected she was lying, she kept it to herself, offering The Doctor a firm but jestful _"You better."_ before heading off in search of something to fill her time whilst she waited for her. There had been maintenance, but nothing that couldn't wait for another time. The Doctor had paced around the console for a while before deciding to get some _fresh air._ She hated being alone, her mind was a dangerous place and after sitting with nothing but her own thoughts to keep her company for the last handful of hours she had achieved nothing aside from her fear over losing her friends increasing tenfold.

Scooting back from the edge, The Doctor stood from her spot and shut the doors. She needed to talk to Graham, it had been a while since she had sent them off so she could only hope he was still up and was willing to speak to her. Silently praying she wouldn't run into the others, she set off through the corridors in search of Graham. She didn't have to trek far thankfully, passing by the kitchen she found the door slightly ajar and peaked in to find her friend sat at the table with what looked to be a half eaten sandwich sat in front of him.

She paused just outside, taking a moment to try and gather her thoughts. Running a hand through her hair she released a shaky breath before pushing the door open and stepping inside.

"Evening Doc, fancy a cuppa?"

Graham called out as she entered, he had an empty mug in his hand and was already pushing his chair out to stand when he saw her. The Doctor froze, looking at Graham with a look that resembled a deer caught in headlights.

She felt the prickle of tears and prayed to Rassilon that she could keep them at bay. Graham was one of the kindest people she had ever met, he had welcomed her into his home after she had crash landed post regeneration and since joining Team TARDIS had become somewhat the father of the group, even to The Doctor who had not only been a father herself at a point but who's age also amassed his by millennia.

He took his mug over to the counter, turning on the kettle before grabbing another along with the teabags. When The Doctor hadn't responded or moved from her spot in the doorway he glanced over with a frown.

"Doc?"

She stared back at him with an expression he couldn't read. What had she done to deserve friends like the ones she had? She had never felt worthy of the friendships bestowed upon her, not now or in her previous regenerations. What must they think of her? She waltzed around as though she was superior to everyone else and yet couldn't even offer her friend comfort when he needed it most. And yet here he was, offering to make her tea and acting as though nothing had been said. Because they were so used to it, so used to The Doctor and her ways and it made her hearts hurt that she had made them feel that way.

"I'm sorry Graham."

After finally finding her voice, The Doctor stepped further into the room. Not only did she want him to know how sorry she was for how their earlier conversation had gone but she needed him to understand how much he and the others meant to her. She really did look at Graham, Ryan and Yaz as her family and after losing so many throughout her lifetimes she couldn't bare the thought of losing anymore.

Graham was startled by the emotion in her voice, there was obviously something going on that he wasn't aware of. There was a lot he didn't know about The Doctor and he was never one to pry, he felt incredibly lucky to have been given the chance to travel with her, his grandson and Yaz and he never wanted to put that in jeopardy by sticking his nose in where it wasn't welcome. Whatever she was currently going through however appeared to involve him, and he hoped on this occasion he would be able to convince her to open up.

"Why don't you sit down eh? I'll make us some tea and we can have a chat?" He suggested with a smile. The Doctor usually kept her emotions well hidden, well when he was around anyway, so to see her look so upset had him worried.

She didn't respond right away and he went back his task, sorting out two cups of tea whilst she looked on in silence, trying to organise her thoughts whilst also keeping her emotions at bay. She'd never been good at organisation and her words came out thick and fast before she had time to stop them.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I'm not sorry that I didn't say anything, well I am, but I'm not apologising for not saying anything because I didn't know what to say, I'm apologising for not saying anything because I was scared of saying the wrong thing, I have a habit of putting my foot in it and I have lost so many people that I have this fear that I will say something wrong and you will leave me too and I can't lose you or the others, because you're my fam, and I don't know what I would do if I lost my fam."

Pausing for a breath, she chanced a glance at Graham who's gaze she had avoided throughout her rant. He was watching her with wide eyes and a look which in her current state she couldn't quite decipher. She ran a shaky hand through her hair as her other hung limp at her side, a rogue tear managed to escape which didn't go unnoticed by Graham as she took a moment to try and regain control of her emotions before continuing.

"I don't want you to ever think I don't care, because I do, I just, find it hard to find the right words sometimes."

The Doctor dropped his gaze as she felt more tears fall, wiping them away she let out a frustrated sigh, she had tried so hard to keep it together and embarrassment was quickly joining the array her feelings she was currently experiencing.

Despite being over two thousand years his senior _give or take,_ Graham often felt like he had taken on a fatherly role when he had joined Team TARDIS. There had been several occasions where he'd had to have a word with her as though she was a kid when she was goofing around with Ryan and Yaz, usually doing something she had instigated. He'd never had any kids of his own, he had Ryan who he saw as more of a son than a grandson and he liked to think he'd gained two surrogate daughters in Yaz and The Doctor. He knew the woman standing before him wasn't a fan of close contact, but seeing her look so vulnerable made his heart ache and he had the overwhelming urge to give her a hug.

Stepping forward he reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by invading her personal space but wanted to reassure her that he was there. She looked up at the contact, meeting his gaze once more with tear filled eyes. Words escaped her, she didn't know what else she could say, she was embarrassed at how she was falling apart in front of her friend but her fear of the outcome from their earlier encounter had her in a spin.

"You look like you could use a hug, Doc." He finally spoke up, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze.

The Doctor couldn't stop the breath of a laugh that escaped her and Graham offered her a smile, her current regeneration had been fairly touch averse as had her previous but she couldn't help the thought that in that moment, a hug sounded like just the thing she needed. She gave a small nod in agreement and they closed the remaining distance between one and other so he could wrap his arms around her shoulders.

She was always so strong, or so she managed to portray herself as in front of the others. It was her job to keep her companions safe and in order to do that her own feelings had to take a back seat. She'd had millennia of practice at building walls so that those travelling with her wouldn't be privy to her struggles and for the most part she had perfected the mask she often wore but sometimes, things got too much even for her and that mask slipped. It had happened once before with Yaz and it was happening again with Graham.

Her arms slipped around his waist, face turned as she tried to stop her tears from soaking through his jumper.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was slightly muffled as she repeated her earlier words, though since then they had taken on further meaning.

She heard Graham sigh and braced herself for what may come next. There were a number of scenarios she had created in her head for how she had imagined this conversation going, and having Graham comfort her had definitely not been one of them.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He said finally, his voice soft as he tried to find the right words to comfort his friend.

He was touched that she cared so much about their friendship but it also made his heart hurt that she had gotten herself in such a way because of a conversation he had started.

They stood in silence for a few moments before The Doctor loosened her arms and Graham let her go, she took a step back and wiped away her remaining tears.

"You alright?" He asked and she gave him a small nod in response.

"Look, Doc, you need to realise that the way you feel about us is the same way we feel about you, we're a family and we ain't going anywhere."

The Doctor felt the sting of fresh tears, although unlike before she was becoming overwhelmed in a good way. She had always referred to Graham, Yaz and Ryan as her fam, the moniker had come naturally to her soon after they had joined her on her travels and had stuck through their time going forward. It had been a long time since she'd had anyone she could consider actual family, there had been Jenny, her daughter for the shortest time and whom would always hold a place in her hearts despite the limited time they'd had together. She had shared her TARDIS with a number of companions in her time but for reasons she couldn't quite describe, her trio of friends that currently called her home theirs had worked their way into her hearts and she would be forever grateful that she had _literally_ fallen into their lives.

Graham's revelation helped quash the doubts she had in regard to her friends feelings for her, she would never truly be rid of her uncertainties as her mind was unable to comprehend how she had become worthy of the friendships she had. The Doctor had left so much unsaid in her past and had often been too late when the _right_ time finally came around. She made a personal vow to herself that from that moment she would do her best to remind her friends of how much they meant to her just as they would with her because after all they were a family and that's what family's were for.


End file.
